Saturday, September 18, 2004

Bitter

So yesterday I went back to PHS, my old high school. I went and visited some old favorite teachers, and old friends who are seniors now. It was all really fun and nice to see everyone again.

But to get to my point here, I was talking to Ms. Palmer (my old voice/chorus teacher) and I said something and she mentioned how bitter I was about high school. At the time I didn't think much of it, but as I drove home I realized how bitter about high school I was. Why was that? Why have I convinced myself I hate everything and everyone that affected me in high school. I mean, there are exceptions to this, some things and people I loved and miss tremendously. But everytime I tell all my new friends about high school, it's always a negative. And I think I realized last night staying up until the wee hours of morning that I do this because I was hurt so much senior year by people that is is easier for me to categorize everything as bad so as I don't get hurt when I really think about it. And as a college student, I have moved past high school, feel above the petty drama I created and played around in, forgot my old "friends"- moved on with new ones, left everything I had loved and hated about high school behind.

I am bitter about several friendships I lost right at the end of high school. I lost my best friend, Sara. I lost a person I had thought was a best friend, maybe even more, Travis. And I was hurt this summer that the people I thought were my friends maybe weren't at all. I only talked to two people over the summer- Jen and Liz. It made me think that me, the one in high school who was friends with (almost) everybody maybe didn't have any friends at all. Maybe it was all fake. And it hurt me. So I do what I always do and become bitter about whatever hurts me and hold a grudge against it for a long time. And in this case, high school is the thing that I am holding a grudge against. Oy. Just needed to vent.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sigh

Sigh (si) verb. to take in and let out a deep audible breath (as in weariness, grief, or relief)

Try it. Take in a breath, let it out. Sigh. It feels so good. Sigh. Why do people sigh? Well according to the dictionary on my computer it's because of weariness, grief, or relief. So why have I been doing it so often?

Weariness? Well I am very tired. College is exhausting. Late nights. Hanging with friends. Non-stop social situation. 24/7. Homework. Work. Class. Independence. Loud music. Loud bad music. At 3:00 AM. High school drama queens. Drama queens. High school drama. Thinking. Thoughts. Anxiety. Stress. Food. Getting food. Homesickness. Sickness. Last night I was up until the wee wee hours of the morning. Because I experienced every single one of those things between the hours of 7PM till 3AM. Until I finally nodded off. And I wonder why I am weary?

Grief? Sadly, my roomate passed away earlier today. Yes, he died. Of what, I'm not sure. But I am mourning his presence. He added a special something to my college experience. No longer will I be able to watch him. Watching him breath, watching him eat. His goregous eyes. His skin. And I will miss him. Corey, my friend, you will hold a special place in my heart for years to come. His spirit will be in this room for a long time. Tonight is his funeral. Sadly, I will have to say the eulogy and do the honors of flushing him down the toliet.

Relief? A fart? A burp? Yes I have done that here, but perhaps I am happy with how this is going. I am happy with the college experience. Am I relieved with how relatively easy this has been? Have I been creating all this drama in my head because it's not what I expected. Yes and no.

Sigh. It feels so good to sigh. It's a good stress relief. Sigh. The maid is vacuuming right now outside my door. It's very loud and I can't hear my music. Sigh.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Wet towels on the floor- no no

I don't know why I titled this post the way I did. Well I do, but it has nothing to do with the post itself. I'm listening to Jewel and in "You Were Meant For Me" she sings that line at the time I was thinking of a title for the post so I wrote that.

Yeah so, I'm bored. Have nothing to do. Waiting for my parents to show up so we can go grocery shopping and out and stoof like dat. The reason I haven't written anything in a couple days is because nothing much has happened to me. Same ol, same ol. Nothing new, nothing interesting. I'm just living life as a college student. It's going fairly well. I have some math homework to do. So, I'm going to get started on that.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Bathrooms in college are so gross...

...especially when you share them with 7 other guys. Gross. I hate using them. And our shower only has two plastic curtains between your naked body and the rest of the bathroom.

Anywho, I'm doing much better now. I was just feeling a lot of emotions last Sunday night (or Monday morning, depends) and they needed to come out. But I'm much better now. I've made some wicked cool friends (Lauren, Alex, Jen, Courtney, Auri) and have been hanging out with people every night since Sunday.

And I went to my first class this morning and it was nice. The teacher, Prof. Birch, is from England and he's wicked funny and cool. I think I'll enjoy that class but it seems like a lot of work. But it's all good. I really am having a good time and all that. As a matter of fact I'm going downstairs now to hang out with Lauren and Krista so I'll give you more updates later.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Troubles: Day 2

I am having trouble and good Lord, it's only the second day here. I just can't seem to adjust. And now my paranoia is setting in. (My DARTies know what I mean.) When I get paranoid that everyone hates me. I feel like I'm not making new friends- but the reasonable, rational me is saying- geez Pat give yourself a break, it's only the second day. And I'm feeling so self concious about the gay issue. I know it's not anyone's business, but my roomate is insistant on setting me up and I say "No thanks, I don't want to." And what will he say when he founds out? How will he find out? Good Lord, I don't know. And a cool girl named Valerie has been hitting on me and flirting with me and I'm purposely trying to give her some NO signals, but she just ain't gettin' em. Oy vey,

I've also been spending a lot of time alone. I had a half hour of free time tonight and instead of trying to meet new people, I sat on a bench in the middle of campus alone. I feel more comfortable there. I am making some new friends though, Jeremy, Tito, my roomate is cool. And I get along great with my RA and another RA. I think a huge problem of mine is making friends with guys. I can't seem to have a relationship with guys unless it is a gay relationship. I guess that's why I am gay. I am making a lot of good new friends, all girls. Alex, Jen (another Jen, Jen!), Val, a bunch of them.

I guess I feel lonely too. And I miss my friends and my family. So please leave a comment, let me know you exist and care because right now, whoever is reading this is the only person I can talk to,

Guess where I am?

Yes. It's quarter after eight and I am sitting in my dorm room in college! My roomate sleeps soundly (he's turned off his alarm twice now- get up already!) I had, of course, a terrible night's sleep that did not begin until at least 2 this morning due to someone who thought a drum machine would make a nice addition to their room and blasted out rhythms all through the night. Real considerate, bub. Bub- that's a funny word. Anywho, I had a ton of fun yesterday and enjoyed most of the day. I really like my roomate, he's wicked cool and respectful and I'm so glad- sooo glad I'm rooming with him because if it were any one else on this floor, I wouldn't survive. I will tell stories sometime, but my roomie's sleeping now and I think the typing is irritating him so I'm done.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Last post from home

So I'm heading off the visit my bed bugs (which I saw some closeups of on Oprah today- yucky) which means this is prolly my last post from this computer for a while. Bye all.

My last day home

Yep. Today is my last day home. I'm moving away tommorow. I'm just a tad nervous. Okay, I'm really nervous. And excited. I have a ton of packing to do too. A lot. I'm not even close to being ready. I guess that's it. Nothing else interesting. So, I prolly won't get my internet up right away tommorow so it may be a couple of days before I am until to post again. I know, I know, the suspense will kill you, but you'll all be fine.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Two posts in one day, aren't you lucky!




Yep. That's me at DARTS. How cute am I? Thank you for that picture Christina. All your pictures made me laugh and cry and miss all, well at least 4, of my DARTIES oh so much. I cannot wait until the reunion.

What kind of a restaurant runs out of chicken?

A Friendly's that's what. I went to Friendly's all prepared to order up a chicken strips basket and the waitress tells me:
Waitress: "We're all out of chicken."

And my response is:
"You're kidding me!"

Waitress: "No I'm sorry."

Me: "You have no chicken whatsoever?"

Waitress: "I don't believe so."

Me: "Well then go out there and slaughter me one, bitch!"

OK I didn't say that but Friendly's menu consists of 70% of items with chicken. What the hell? So I went to Applebees and had their chicken.