Sunday, October 31, 2004

Body Image

This morning when I was home, I decided to take one of those steps I hate. The step onto the scale. It's been about three weeks now since I've weighed myself. Let me tell you how upset I was. I've reached an all time high. And it got me thinking and depressed like it always does when I find out I've gained weight. I know I have I seen it when I look in the mirror, but it didn't sink in that I've gained until I had the facts in front of me this morning. I hate the issue of weight. I hate how I look. I just wish sometimes my whole body would change. I have so many things I find so imperfect. I mean, let's face it, I'm an uber perfectionist. But the one thing I cannot perfect, no matter how hard I try, is my body. So many little things that make me upset. I don't want to look the way I do. Yeah yeah blah blah, I'm perfect the way I am. I don't have anything wrong with me, this is what everyone tells me. But that is not what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a fat kid, who wants to look like what he thinks a guy should look like. With muscular arms, abs, pecs, small waist, you know, a perfect body. Hell, I have none of that. And it leads to so many self-esteem issues. You may think I'm confident but it's all a facade. I am so self concious it's not funny. Talk to me about the twenty minutes in front of a mirror I spend after I take a shower trying to perfect how I look. And I can never seem to get anything right and I get so frustrated with myself!

Let me give you a little background on my weight issues. In elementary school I was the skinny kid. Like I had no fat on me what so ever. Then I hit middle school (some of the roughest three years of my life thus far) and to cope with the problems I was going through I did what everybody else in my family did, I ate. And the weight began to pile on. Weight I've never really began to get rid of. Then I got to high school and went through the two worst years of my life so far, freshman and sophmore years, and I just kept eating. Food was my comfort. So by the time I was cast as Tony in West Side Story I weighed a little over 190. To me, that's too big. I felt huge. And apparently, so did my theater director bcause he gave me an ultimatum. If I wanted to keep the role of Tony (a role I had only dreamed of playing) then I needed to lose about 25 pounds and get physically in shape. So I changed my eating habits and went on a rigorous excersise routine. I lost 30 pounds for that part. And then I started going back into my old habits and over the following summer gained a lot of that weight back. About 25 pounds of it. So then for the play that fall, I felt like I was too big again and I lost some weight. About 10 pounds. Then I gained it back over the holiday season. Then I was casted as a lead in Anythign Goes. I felt again, like I was too fat for the part and for a period from February to May, on and off the South Beach diet, I gained and lost over 50 pounds. I would lose 20, gain 10, lose 5, gain 10 again, lose 25 again. It was so unhealthy and I was tired, had no energy, it just wasn't a good time. I just feel I always have to lose more weight. God I am just so unhappy right now about this. Like I don't know what to do. I all this food and candy, I refuse to starve myself, and I don't want to waste the money on my meal plan or anything.

I think I just need sleep or something.

Friday, October 29, 2004

My Weekly Friday Post

Yes that's right folks, I post something almost every Friday, thus, making it a weekly post. Get it?

Tonight, the Towers are empty. There are like 8 people in the entire building. I make 9. So really, 9 people are in here. Not 8. So I recently got back from rehearsal for the cabaret. I'm am extremely excited I get to be in both the West Side Story "Mambo" dance as well as the "Rich Man's Frug" from Sweet Charity. Woot! I am finally getting involved in something theatrical after nearly two months of living a theater-less life. And I heart dancing oh so much. Really I do. I love it and cannot wait to be part of the dance company next semester! (CURSE ME FOR NOT DOING IT THIS SEMESTER!) Oh I am in such a giddy, happy mood right now! The choreographer, Frank, is really nice, a bit crazy, but coo. Thank you Sarah for getting me involved. *Gratitude to you.*

Alas, not much else has happened today. I've pretty much been lying around my room. What else is new? Talked to people online. There is a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight, which I was planning on going to, but I honestly don't know if I could stay awake for it all. But then again, it gives me a chance to hang out with my Hoosac buddies, which is something I don't do often enough. And it's a place where I can be social and God knows I don't get out enough. Aw, hell, I'll prolly make up my mind at like 11:30.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Update: Mental Health 10/28/2004

I'm doing OK. For those of you who read the post below and talked to me today, thanks you helped a lot. I'm doing good. Sarah actually made me feel ten times better for something she probably didn't even know affected me that much. Sometimes the simplest thing someone says just brightens up a person's day and makes the problems go away. I know the karma angel will bless her someday. She also gets my HOLLA award of the (insert desired time period here.) Tommorow all are leaving to go to their designated places to go to. I'm staying here. Which isn't such a bad thing. And then I'm proceeding home on Saturday afternoon, just to catch up with the folks and do laundry (tee hee of which I haven't done in two weeks- talk about scraping the bottom of my closet for clothes!) But I'm doing good as of now. Watched some TV tonight. Just chilled and vegged- umm...like something totally new and different! Right?

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I tend to be left out of things...often.

And I don't particularlly enjoy it. I am well aware the people I am about to discuss can be reading this. That is my intention. The people who I consider my closest friends here, really don't seem to feel the same about me. I always feel that these three people who I consider probably my best friends here at the school feel that way about each other, and when they need me, include me in their "triangle." Right now, let me make this clear, I am not bitter, or angry, I'm hurt. I'm sad. Think of this post as a way for me to express how I'm feeling because I'm not able to do it in words. I've tried. I've started to say something and then held back. I don't know why. I'm too embarassed I feel this way. Afraid of what would happen. I don't know. I do know I hate feeling alone. I absolutley hate it. Yet it seems to be all that I am doing. These people always go out on trips and leave me, not telling me that they are going, where they are going, or when they are going. They go. Yes it might be spontaneous, but why can't I be spontaneously invited too. I would invite you guys if I decided to go out somewhere. Yet I never ever seem to be invited. I'm always knocking at your door, finding out from someone else you're not there and walking back up to my room and waiting patiently until I see your away messages come off. Then I trudge downstairs and hang out with you and feel like I'm a part of something. Yet I feel like I'm a part of something that won't let me be a part of it. I want to, but ok- let's put this in an analogy. You guys are on Floor 19 of a tall building. I can go anywhere in this building, floor 18, floor 20 and I can talk to you on the phone, see you after you leave the floor, and hang out with you when you go onto a different floor. But I'm never allowed on Floor 19. But once in a while, just every so often, you open the door to floor 19 and let me peek in. Just my head, and I can see the entire floor. Then you close it again. Am I making sense? I'm tired. It's very late. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say. I just feel so left out all the time, so rejected, and that is one of my biggest fears. Rejection. I hate being rejected by people. Tonight, you have done it twice. The first was when you all just left and I take a step out of the Towers and see you leave. I felt like "WTF? Why couldn't I have come along? Or was it something I can't be a part of?" The second was when you all left. You literally left me in your room. You wouldn't tell me where you were going (though my assumption was confirmed by another member of your floor as true.) And I was so hurt. I cried. And the only person left to comfort me was Angel.

I just wanted to let you guys know. It's easier for me to express myself in writing, so I did just that. Good night. Talk to you tommorow.

EDIT: I thought of some new things last night. It's hard for you to understand but everytime I'm left out it's like a slap in the face. I'm so sensitive to the whole thing, it's just something you need to be aware of. If you're going to leave me out please don't do it so blatantly. At least sneak around my back or lie or something. Also, I also find myself literally locked out of doors. Like you guys will all go into one room to talk and lock me out. I feel like you don't trust me enough to be in there or whatever. It just hurts me.

The Ups and Downs of College School Work

9:00 AM: Self and Society. One of the weirdest classes I've ever taken, a mix between pyschology and sociology. Interesting, but very different. I give a 5 minute presentation on eating disorders and why they are caused. I get an A. Small celebration.

3:30 PM: Math for the Liberal Arts. My sped, remedial most basic college math class. We take a quiz on some fairly relatively easy concepts. I understand the concepts, but somehow I don't understand the questions. I fail miserably. Poop on my face.

It goes up and down that easily, folks. I could be flying high in the morning, and scraping my stomach on the ground the next.

Monday, October 25, 2004

And the anvil falls on my head

Yep. I hate getting crushed. It has happened way WAY too many times in my life and I'm done. I'm done with it all. I shall be alone for the rest of my life.

Desperate Housewivesing

Desperate Housewivesing (verb): to be obsessed with the TV show Desperate Housewives and watch it faithfully each week
(sometimes even going as far as to watch the reruns on Saturday nights...even when you've seen it the week before.)

I'm hopelessly devoted to the show. When I watch it I feel like I'm on cloud 10. Or is cloud 10 bad? Maybe I should just stick to cloud 9. But I love this show. I'm so happy for ABC, a channel I have relatively avoided the past couple years except for the brilliant Alias. But now, with two new shows (Lost and Desperate Housewives) I am in love with, it's quickly becoming my new favorite channel. Well, just on Wednesday and Sunday nights, but you get the idea.

But for those of you who have never seen Desperate Housewives, do yourself a favor and watch. Amazing television right there. And you know, I've never really understood what passive aggressive meant until I watched this show and got some prime examples. It's really good folks. Watch it.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

For Lack of Better Things to Discuss...

...let's talk about grapes. I prefer green grapes. But yesterday when my parents came up for Family Weekend here, they brought some purple grapes. I don't see a difference now. I ate the purple grapes. They tasted the same as those green grapes I thought I preffered. Why are there two different colored grapes in the first place? Why not just one color?

You know what food I like to eat. Shrimp. Which is a funny word. Because off of shrimp you can think "little person" or perhaps if you like The Three Stooges, you may think Shemp. Because Shemp is shrimp without an R and with an E instead of an I. Really, I've researched this- I am telling to absolute truth.

I was up very late last night.

Friday, October 22, 2004

I Love The 90s/Junk Pile

I've wasted a good 7 hours away today on VH1's I Love The 90s Marathon. I missed 1990-1992. But lordie this show is addicting! Like I can't get enough of it. I especially love 97-99 because that is when I was at the age when I was becoming aware that "Oh, there is a world outside of Nickelodeon!" and I became a pop culture junkie. I have fond memories of Furby's and Tamagotchis and such. Oh childhood, how I yearn for thee.

Also, I found out due to some reason or another my old roomate was exiled from North Adams FOREVER! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I rejoiced a little in my head when I found out then quickly quieted down before I offended anybody. I just wish he was kicked out a month ago when he was doing the stuff he just got in trouble for and spared me the pain and torture I suffered through in my last couple weeks on the 7th floor.

I also made up with Carri today, I think? It all happened with a hug and everything was good again. I'm just not used to arguments being resolved so quickly. With my last couple friends I lost, we never resolved anything. Oh well. I'm not complaining.

Tommorow is parents day and both my parents and Larissa, a good friend from high school for those who are not in the know, are coming up. It should be a rollicking good fun time as they look at my room and my roomate's room with the nakie girl posters on the wall.

Also, I have recently found out I go to the bathroom differently than everybody else. Which is kind of baffling because I thought everybody went the way I did. If you really want to know what I mean by this continue reading. If not stop now...........................................................................
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............................................I knew you would keep reading! The curiousity slays you! OK, when guys take a dump, they go pee first standing, then sit down to poo. I'm laughing hysterically right now. I can't believe I'm writing this. But they basically go pee first then poo, two separate actions. I've always done both at the same time. Like I sit down, poo and pee, both sitting. I know, I know, this is riduculous. It just is amazing to me that after 18 years on earth (15 pooping in a toliet) I discover I poop differently then most other males. It blows my mind.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Recurring nightmare

So this morning I got to sleep in late because my first class was cancelled and I slept until a little after 10:30. Anyways, I've been having this recurring dream now for a couple weeks. Not every night, thank goodness, but last night was like the third time I've had it. Except it's not the same dream over and over, it's like a serial nightmare, like a mini-series that does not have an ending in sight. It's very much Stephen King-ish (I shall call it my Stephen King Nightmare.) Basically, from what I gather after being closely involved in three episodes so far, there is this apartment/hotel kind of place where this tall, very menacing man rents out rooms for families or people in general. So last night's episode featured someone who I know from college here (I shall not reveal their name. If you really want to know ask me in person), and three women who looked like they were in the TV show Desperate Housewives. Anyways, I'm always in the hallways like filming it, like I see everything. First this guy I know from school here was put in a burning building and burned alive. Oh yeah, but the next murder was worse. So we go to this guy's memorial and stuff and the whole school shows up and blah blah. OK, on to the next one. So we're back in the building and the murderer is walking the halls at night and stops in front of an apartment with three girls in it. So he bahes open the door and I don't remember what happened next because I blocked it out of my dream because the last time I had the dream the chase where he tries to kill the person is so scary I skipped that and went right to the murder itself. So, he pushes them down this huge hill. And then when they reached the bottom, the murder reached into his coat and pulled out a gun, yelled "CHEERIOS!" (which is kinda funny now, but so scary in my nightmare) and shot all three girls in the crotch and let them bleed to death. Threw the gun at them, and one of the girls grabbed it and shot herself in the head and then shot the other two so they would die quicker. And then I woke up. Nice huh? But the best part is, I got some coming attractions. Apparently, next time I'm going to be dreaming about the murder of a girl from high school and her family who is renting a room in the building. I can't wait. (That's sarcasm.)

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The one month anniversary of my 18th birthday

You'd think I should be celebrating it, but no, hardly celebrating. I've had a pretty rough month. One month ago today I celebrated my birthday here, my first away from home ever, with my friends who were gracious enough to buy me a cake, some flowers, and some balloons. It was a good day at the time. I haven't truly experienced those in a while. It all started to go down hill from that day on. If you may notice, I am beating around and around several bushes here because hey, people who haven't made some of my days happy (for many reasons) could very well be reading this right now. However, I must keep in mind that even though it feels like years, I have only been a college student for a month and half. I'm still new at this thing. I still have to call up my mom and cry to her because things aren't going well (this has happened way to many times now.) I hate drama, I hate being at the center of it. I hate causing it. I wish it would all just go away. I wish people liked me, I wish people didn't get upset with me. Oh I wish so many things. But wishes don't come true most of the time as I would be rich, in a relationship, not in an awkward situation right now, and of course, on Broadway acting my little tushy out.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Must I screw everything up!

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Story of The Missing Sock

When I was in or around 4th grade I had an assignment to write a storybook about anything we wanted. I remember it well. My story was called “The Missing Sock.” It was about a pair of socks and one of them is lost in the laundry. The sock who was left was very alone and tried pairing up with other socks but it wasn’t the same. He wanted his best friend back. But because he was without a partner, he was discarded in the drawer. Then one day, he finds himself being pulled out and there is his old partner, fresh from being found and washed and the two lived happily together forever. You may be thinking what the hell does this have to do with anything? Well tonight when I was folding my freshly washed laundry, I found a sock without a mate. And all of a sudden, this story came running out from a crack in the floorboard of my brain. I was so sad I wasn’t going to find this sock’s other sock. I mean, what would happen if his partner in socking went missing or was stolen and used by someone else! Gross! So as quickly as I could I ran down to the laundry room and searched for the sock in the washer and dryer I might’ve left it in. Nothing. But as I was walking out, for some reason I turned around and there is was lying underneath the sorting table. I jumped for joy and peed a little, then grabbed the sock and ran upstairs to tell everyone. I was so happy the sock was found. Sure it was dirty, but when I do laundry next week, the socks will be reunited. Which makes me smile.

I have been feeling really like...I don’t know...unwanted lately. I’ve always had this sense that sometimes people have too much “Pat” kind of like overexposure for a celebrity. Like they get tired of “Pat” and get annoyed and want him to leave whenever he shows up. I’m referring to myself in the third person, yes, but damnit it’s my prerogative so shut up and let me do it. So I’ve been trying to distance myself from people. Except then I get lonely. Damnit all why can’t I just not over-analyze everything. I think way to much about things and make them into situations they’re not. But I don’t know for sure if they’re not. Either way, I’m feeling really unwanted and not cared about right now. I hope I get over this soon.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

depressed :(

I'm depressed. No not because I'm alone and no one loves me, but because my Aladdin Kleenex box is running low. I'm almost out of Kleenex and this box is too cool to throw away when I finish it off. I don't know. I'm thinking of maybe cutting it up and tacking it to the wall. Or maybe I'll refill it with Kleenex from another boring box. I'm not quite sure. Either way, I'm just not up for throwing it away.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

In a state of death

Right now I am so tired it is actually not funny. Not one bit. My eyes feel so heavy and my joints ache and my head hurts and I had nothing to drink or anything last night. There was a dance in the Campus Center that I got the nerve to go, I mean, hey maybe I could meet someone, you know, be a part of a social situation, and maybe have a little fun. After seven never ending minutes I left with Carri. For being a fairly social person when it comes to meeting people I hate social situations. I hate parties, dances, everything. I always feel so uncomfortable and it's not because I don't want to dance in front of people. I just feel like when I'm somwhere with a bunch of other people I feel like I want to crawl into the corner and die. And I don't know why. I guess it's another region of the world of Pat I have yet to explore. But when we got back to the room, Carri and I had fun looking at silly pictures in our yearbook. Then we watched most of Monster's Ball the movie that Halle Berry won the Oscar for and it brought me right back down to the ground. And I've been apathetic since. Well, minus the fun we had in Emily and Thea's room with the Mutant. I need to go to sleep RIGHT NOW!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Don't wanna be all by myself...anymore

God it's just been one of those days. Those days you want to be done and they keep going. I feel like all I've done today is pretended. I've been faking my way through the day. So when I got the chance to break on through to the other side and be honest, I was brutal. In chorus today, I realized my teacher has some sort of fetish with calling me Jeff. I don't know what her problem is. What she was doing was breaking the chorus up into four groups. Picking one at a time. And someone said "Haha! It's like kickball!" And I actually thought to myself "Well, thank God that I won't be picked last like I usually was when we used to play!" Guess what? I was picked last. And when it came to be my turn she looked right at me, titled her head approx. 20˚ to the left and proceeded to say "Jeff, you come over here." So I sat there and pretended like I didn't hear anything. Now she has repeatedly called me Jeff throughout this last month in her class and everytime I correct her and say "No, Miss Lady (I didn't say that actually but for typing purposes I don't know her real name either so I'm calling her Miss Lady). No Miss Lady, my name is Patrick. Not Jeff." But I wasn't going to do that this time. So I said as rudely as I could, "I'm not moving until you call me by my real name." She had to look it up.

Oh I was so embarassed. And pissed. So after that long grueling class I abhor, I went marching up to the 2nd floor to find out everybody was gone! Argh! That is the most frustrating feeling when you've got nobody. Nothing. Nobody was on the second floor. Except the mutant and she's a bitch. So I came up to my room and do what I do when I feel rejected and alone. Blast Celine Dion's "All By Myself."

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Welcome, New Ones/Wednesdays Suck

So for the first time, I'm opening my blog to the public. I mean, if you're reading this in some way you must know me so I suppose it's ok. So welcome all you new visitors and hello again to my old regulars. Enjoy.

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Wednesdays suck. I hate them. It's that hump (hehe) in the middle of the week where nothing goes right. It's my busiest day with three classes and two clubs. I feel like I don't stop. The only thing that is Wednesday's saving grace is the fact that my new favorite TV show Lost is on. Curse you fo ever existing Wednesdays! Dieeeeee! All of you!

Sunday, October 10, 2004

"Everlasting Bliss of the Clear Brain"

Last night I watched an absolutley amazing movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I mean words cannot describe how much I love this movie. This one is right up there with my all time favorites Moulin Rouge and Big Fish. I must get this movie on DVD and very soon before I internally combust.

Yesterday I got my high school yearbook too. I was so excited to get it and read through it, but I was a little disappointed honestly. I was in one, ONE of the pictures in the theater section. It made me a little mad. And overall, the whole thing was disappointing. Oh well.

We're going pumpkin picking today. I love pumpkin picking! The one thing I don't like is the hay. I'm so allergic to hay. And it's going to be all over the place up there.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Long time, no updates

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

It seems nobody else does either. I mean it strikes me as odd when my friends don't comment on my posts but someone I have no idea who they are comment on my post and leaves me message for me to take a Sex and the City quiz which by the way I scored a 6/10 on. Which might explain why I have not updated in a month. I did not update when my birthday passed on September 20th and I turned the big 18. I am now an adult. I also registered to vote, which in turn, means I am registered for the draft.

I did not post about my new love for the TV show "Lost." It is my new obsession. I am head over heels in love with this show. It is amazing. I am also in love with the leading man, Matthew Fox. But that is not the point. The show rules my world.

I am now in a new room. I moved out of my old one. For reasons I will not disclose over the net where people can find them. But I am very happy in my new room.

Oh so lots of stuff has happened to me. I will now update when I can. Hopefully people will care again. If not. Ths ends.