Tuesday, August 03, 2004

I hate brothers.../Children

I just had this huge fight with my brother. Grr...he knows he can get to me by calling me "faggot" and oh he riles me up when he does. I am so pissed at him right now it isn't funny. And it's all because he decides to have Eggos for lunch. Well that's OK, but he knows it's the only breakfast food I can eat at the moment because whole milk (which my mom bought at the store not realizing it was whole milk- DUH!) doesn't sit well in my half lactose intolerant digestive system. So I asked him nicely- please don't eat those for lunch I need them for breakfast- and he starts flipping out- he throws the waffles away and starts screaming at me how I'm so selfish and oh I'm such a fag. Well boy- he rubbed me the wrong way because I started hitting him and kicking him and he kept calling me it. So then I start screaming at him. Ugh! I hate him so much! I was so happy last week when they were gone. And it's sounds awful but I keep telling myself- I only have 31 more days of living in this house. That's all.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my kids. My future kids. When I want to have them. What their names will be. And especially about how I plan on raising them. I think about how my parents raised the three of us. My two brothers and I.

I am the oldest. I think I turned out a very well rounded kid. My main passion in life is theater (which I get from my mother.) I don't drink or smoke. I have my own morals and ideals and I stick to them. I'm a very independent person in that way. I'm not a born leader, I sit and watch and wait until things go ary- and once they do I step in and fix it all. I'm tolerant and respectful of other people and their differences, outgoing, personable. I am a very mature person, I am intune with my emotions, understand who I am, think maturely, and have mature relationships with both my friends, which I have a lot of, and family, who I am close to (especially my mother). The thing is- I've always felt feelings in my family went un-discussed. I broke that barrier last year when I came out and have discussed me emotions openly. On the other hand, I am extremely picky, sometimes selfish, a little spoiled, and an extreme perfectionist. And when people push me the wrong way, I become very demeaning and make people feel that they are as big as this word. I am also a very good liar and have lied many times to people in my life. Not always to hurt them- but so I don't hurt them. I used to be blunt and told people how I felt about them to their face but now I can't do that. I often tell people lies to make them feel good, but I am lying to them. But underneath it all I have a caring, gentle heart and empathize extremely easily.

My brother Shaun is the middle child. At home he's loud, wants attention all the time, a bit of a comic, and in general most of the family blocks him out often because he's always got to fidget and talk and be annoying. As far as I know, he's never drank or smoked. But it's not like he has a lot of friends to go out to a party with. He's a very jealous person and often is jealous of me because I have so many friends. But if he were like he is home in public, things would be different. In public he is the complete opposite of what he is at home. He's shy, quiet, aloof, reserved. He hardly talks to anybody. Complete opposite of me. I talk to everyone I can. I don't think he quite understands himself yet and I've had long conversations with my mother about how she's worried about him when I leave for college. He's always lived under my shadow, copying me, letting me pave the way for him. However, when I'm gone- he's gonna have to pave the way himself- which he's going to have a tough time with because it means he's going to have to come out of his shell. Shaun's also into art- he is an artist- which he gets from my father (who is also an artist- a graphic artist and painter in real life.) He's also the soon to be Eagle Scout of the family- Scouts is a priority in his life which bonds him with my Dad.

My littlest (not so little anymore) brother Brandon is quite different from both Shaun and myself. He was my mother's "experiment." Shaun and I often rag on him because he never went to Catholic school (like we did), isn't expected to do as much (he's the baby!), always gets special suppers cooked for him (God forbid he should try something with tomato sauce on it!- he won't even try new things!), and doesn't have to go to CCD like both my brother and I did. And I think this is why he is so lazy. When I think of Brandon I think lazy. He doesn't want to do anything and squirms out of it any time someone asks him too. Unless he gets paid for it. He's also a slob and doesn't care at all for his surroundings and property. This does not work well at all with my neat-freaky-ness and often succumbs to my screaming at him to pick something up. He doesn't do it but I still yell. For instance yesterday, I knew Brandon had eaten lunch because when I opened up the fridge I found the deli bag with sliced turkey open, turkey spilling out on the top shelf with the milk. He was so lazy he couldn't close the bag and put it in the meat drawer! I mean- it wouldn't have taken that much effort. Shaun and I share Mom (with me winning because Shaun is in the middle an tries to get equal attention- but he gets more from Mom) and Brandon is daddy's little boy. They share all the same interests- war, fighting, guns, planes- stuff like that. Stuff I hate.

We've all been raised by he same parents yet- we're so different. So bringing this back around to the top- I look at us and say is this how I want my kids to turn out? Yes and no. I want to be closer to my kids than my parents were to me growing up. It wasn't until last year- year 16 of my life I felt I could actually talk to them. I want to have that connection with my kids from the start. I want it so if they want to talk to me- they can- no problem. I want to be close to them and them close to me. I never want to have a relationship like my father and I had. We've always had a rocky relationship (we clash on a lot of things) and I don't want that feeling for my kids because I know how they felt. My father has always been to the childish type who is immature when it comes to feelings. He doesn't know how to express them. It's because of the family he was raised in. I don't want to be that for my kids. My parents have molded me into someone who is open and can express themselves and I want my kids to be like that too. I want them to be OK and understand no matter what it's OK to have gay parents and it doesn't make them any different from other kids. I want them to accept all people and be tolerant because predjudice and hatred are feelings that should never be felt for anyone because of something they can't help. I know how it feels to be hated and it's not nice. I don't want them to make anyone else feel that way.

Wow. OK. So now that I've rambled on and gotten pretty serious I'm going to end this therapy session. I don't know what's gotten into me lately....


Blogger hOtmOmMa said...

you forgot the most important thing...are they hot????????

wait...they're your brothers, don't answer that question.

August 13, 2004 at 10:26 AM  

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