Sunday, October 31, 2004

Body Image

This morning when I was home, I decided to take one of those steps I hate. The step onto the scale. It's been about three weeks now since I've weighed myself. Let me tell you how upset I was. I've reached an all time high. And it got me thinking and depressed like it always does when I find out I've gained weight. I know I have I seen it when I look in the mirror, but it didn't sink in that I've gained until I had the facts in front of me this morning. I hate the issue of weight. I hate how I look. I just wish sometimes my whole body would change. I have so many things I find so imperfect. I mean, let's face it, I'm an uber perfectionist. But the one thing I cannot perfect, no matter how hard I try, is my body. So many little things that make me upset. I don't want to look the way I do. Yeah yeah blah blah, I'm perfect the way I am. I don't have anything wrong with me, this is what everyone tells me. But that is not what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a fat kid, who wants to look like what he thinks a guy should look like. With muscular arms, abs, pecs, small waist, you know, a perfect body. Hell, I have none of that. And it leads to so many self-esteem issues. You may think I'm confident but it's all a facade. I am so self concious it's not funny. Talk to me about the twenty minutes in front of a mirror I spend after I take a shower trying to perfect how I look. And I can never seem to get anything right and I get so frustrated with myself!

Let me give you a little background on my weight issues. In elementary school I was the skinny kid. Like I had no fat on me what so ever. Then I hit middle school (some of the roughest three years of my life thus far) and to cope with the problems I was going through I did what everybody else in my family did, I ate. And the weight began to pile on. Weight I've never really began to get rid of. Then I got to high school and went through the two worst years of my life so far, freshman and sophmore years, and I just kept eating. Food was my comfort. So by the time I was cast as Tony in West Side Story I weighed a little over 190. To me, that's too big. I felt huge. And apparently, so did my theater director bcause he gave me an ultimatum. If I wanted to keep the role of Tony (a role I had only dreamed of playing) then I needed to lose about 25 pounds and get physically in shape. So I changed my eating habits and went on a rigorous excersise routine. I lost 30 pounds for that part. And then I started going back into my old habits and over the following summer gained a lot of that weight back. About 25 pounds of it. So then for the play that fall, I felt like I was too big again and I lost some weight. About 10 pounds. Then I gained it back over the holiday season. Then I was casted as a lead in Anythign Goes. I felt again, like I was too fat for the part and for a period from February to May, on and off the South Beach diet, I gained and lost over 50 pounds. I would lose 20, gain 10, lose 5, gain 10 again, lose 25 again. It was so unhealthy and I was tired, had no energy, it just wasn't a good time. I just feel I always have to lose more weight. God I am just so unhappy right now about this. Like I don't know what to do. I all this food and candy, I refuse to starve myself, and I don't want to waste the money on my meal plan or anything.

I think I just need sleep or something.


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