Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I tend to be left out of things...often.

And I don't particularlly enjoy it. I am well aware the people I am about to discuss can be reading this. That is my intention. The people who I consider my closest friends here, really don't seem to feel the same about me. I always feel that these three people who I consider probably my best friends here at the school feel that way about each other, and when they need me, include me in their "triangle." Right now, let me make this clear, I am not bitter, or angry, I'm hurt. I'm sad. Think of this post as a way for me to express how I'm feeling because I'm not able to do it in words. I've tried. I've started to say something and then held back. I don't know why. I'm too embarassed I feel this way. Afraid of what would happen. I don't know. I do know I hate feeling alone. I absolutley hate it. Yet it seems to be all that I am doing. These people always go out on trips and leave me, not telling me that they are going, where they are going, or when they are going. They go. Yes it might be spontaneous, but why can't I be spontaneously invited too. I would invite you guys if I decided to go out somewhere. Yet I never ever seem to be invited. I'm always knocking at your door, finding out from someone else you're not there and walking back up to my room and waiting patiently until I see your away messages come off. Then I trudge downstairs and hang out with you and feel like I'm a part of something. Yet I feel like I'm a part of something that won't let me be a part of it. I want to, but ok- let's put this in an analogy. You guys are on Floor 19 of a tall building. I can go anywhere in this building, floor 18, floor 20 and I can talk to you on the phone, see you after you leave the floor, and hang out with you when you go onto a different floor. But I'm never allowed on Floor 19. But once in a while, just every so often, you open the door to floor 19 and let me peek in. Just my head, and I can see the entire floor. Then you close it again. Am I making sense? I'm tired. It's very late. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say. I just feel so left out all the time, so rejected, and that is one of my biggest fears. Rejection. I hate being rejected by people. Tonight, you have done it twice. The first was when you all just left and I take a step out of the Towers and see you leave. I felt like "WTF? Why couldn't I have come along? Or was it something I can't be a part of?" The second was when you all left. You literally left me in your room. You wouldn't tell me where you were going (though my assumption was confirmed by another member of your floor as true.) And I was so hurt. I cried. And the only person left to comfort me was Angel.

I just wanted to let you guys know. It's easier for me to express myself in writing, so I did just that. Good night. Talk to you tommorow.

EDIT: I thought of some new things last night. It's hard for you to understand but everytime I'm left out it's like a slap in the face. I'm so sensitive to the whole thing, it's just something you need to be aware of. If you're going to leave me out please don't do it so blatantly. At least sneak around my back or lie or something. Also, I also find myself literally locked out of doors. Like you guys will all go into one room to talk and lock me out. I feel like you don't trust me enough to be in there or whatever. It just hurts me.


Blogger veggirl14 said...

I'm sorry that's happening to you Puffy Pat Poe, I know exactly how it feels. I got left out a lot like that by people, especially when I knew I wasn't fitting in like I wanted to. Don't worry, your true friends still love you! I hope your honesty in this post helps to reconcile things at school. Wuff, Liz Schmiz

October 28, 2004 at 5:01 PM  

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