Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Curse this isomnia...

And damn that fire alarm! I was all ready for bed when the thing decided to go off. Now I know I won't get to bed for another few hours. Damnit all. Well I guess now is a better time then never to post my thoughts.

So the one act is tonight (Ahhh!) and I'm very nervous. I think I will be fine. And Katie will be fine. But Tim- well I'm worried about Tim. He screwed up his lines twice at rehearsal tonight. Screw up meaning totally forgot. But I'm good with my lines, and Katie's been good for a while now. I'm pretty confident it'll be good. Funny at least for sure. I know there are some killer lines the audience will laugh at. I love when audiences laugh. It's a great feeling to be the cause of laughter. And I just realized this is the first time any of my friends here (besides Carri) have seen me act at all. Zoikes! I better be good!

There is a random chirping noise coming from somewhere in this room and I don't know where it's coming from. Maybe there is a bird in the radiator. *feels inside radiator* Yep, there is. I think it's some sort of dove.

Sometimes when I try to go to bed I can't because all these thoughts come rushing to my head and I sit there and play out situations and discuss these thoughts with myself and try to figure them out. It's mostly thoughts about stress but tonight I seem to be getting those all-to-familiar-pangs-of-lonliness. They went on vacation for a while, but seem to be making a cameo appearance tonight. I'm sure they'll go away soon. I just read other people's live journals and blogs and see that they have somebody, and they're happy and I wish I could feel that happiness.

Which brings me to my next topic. Friends. Now I have some friends here, some very very good friends here, and a select few best friends who I trust and tell almost everything to. But I was sitting in my room today and thinking about the times I had with Jen and Sara and all my high school friends and I really have yet to reach a level of that friendship with someone here. Especially one I had with Jen and Sara and I miss that sort of bond we had. I miss being able to cuddle with friends comfortably and being able to divulge everything to, no matter how personal. I miss those late nights we used to have- our "actor's guild" in the basement of Jen's old house when we used to play crazy and wild games and sing Karaoke at the top of our lungs and talk about our crushes and what we'd like to do with them and then we'd be so tired we would just sit there in each other's company and that was satisfying enough. Just to be with people you love. And I really haven't had an experience here like that. And yes, I really have only have had my friends here for three or four months now and we haven't gotten to the point where it was with my my best friends from home. I realize this all will take time, but I miss it now. I mean, how well do the people actually know me here? They don't know know anything besides what I tell them and that could be whatever the hell I want it to be. If I want to erase all those bad moments that happened in high school, I can. I just want people who know me like Jen and Sara do who are close and accessible and here so when I need someone to cuddle with I have them. I guess I just miss my best friends, more than I thought I did. And I can't wait until I see them again. Because they really are the people in this world who know me the best. They know everything about me.

And I don't mean any of this as an insult to my friends here, I love you guys too, and you're all amazing people and I'm so glad to have you all in my life, but to be honest, it's not the same. I don't feel as close to you as I did with Jen and Sara. And now that those guys are not here anymore, I guess I just have this void I need to fill. And time will fill it.

Perhaps now I can go to sleep.


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